Recently, as I enjoyed a pleasant lunch at Downer, one of my companions suggested that I comment on the potential to pick up honeys at Downer, and the proper etiquette when doing so. Personally, this concept is terrifying to me, because I hate talking to strangers, especially when I am trying really hard to ignore them, and especially when they are trying to “pick me up,” as it were. In fact, I can really think of nothing more annoying than having my peaceful lunch interrupted by some loser trying to date me, unless this person was Heath Ledger, who is actually dead, so a pleasing outcome here is totally impossible. At this point in my Lawrence career, I suppose I should be more grateful that anyone, anyone at all, would want to try dating me, however, so I will attempt to envision this as a flattering, welcome opportunity, which I guess ideally, it would be.

In my estimation, there are several ways to endear yourself to potential dates while at Downer. The first, undoubtedly most brazen, and frankly, kind of annoying, is the uninvited sit-down. Because this move is so socially straining on both parties, conditions must be perfect. Trying to pull off an uninvited sit-down during breakfast would be completely idiotic, because everyone is crabby during breakfast, and in fact, if the person with whom you sit down is not crabby during breakfast, even after being surprised with your company, this is not a person you should have any interest dating, or really even being around more than a little. This person is clearly unnecessarily perky, and would make an exhausting companion. The only way this move would not be a monstrous failure is if you are in Downer at the time when they are serving the personal pizzas, and you are a stop-and-chat acquaintance of the person whom you are courting, and if you have detected a slight amount of romantic interest on her side of the equation in the past (it counts if you were both inebriated, because otherwise, I would be giving you the strike zone of a midget). Really, the late afternoon lunch is the ideal time for planting the seeds of a relationship while at Downer. Even if people eating the late lunch have lots of friends, they don’t have any good enough to call them to eat lunch at the normal time, so they’re probably feeling a little lonely about that. They also are about to wait for twenty minutes to eat at all, because those pizzas are not fast food, so they’re probably feeling a little bored. And if the situation is a total fail, once you separate to pick up your pizzas, you can each drift off to different dining rooms and pretend to have forgotten about each other.

The most promising, and surely most successful, way to strike up conversation with babes at Downer is to make a witty remark about the other person’s Downer activity. Potential comments would include remarks about the speed with which someone is collecting their food or the selections someone is making in front of you (“That tortellini looks good, but it would look better on my floor.” “That roast beef looks delicious, but not as delicious as you.” ‘Wow, I guess you were really hungry.”) Although if it is a girl, you might want to avoid comments about the shear amount of food she is piling onto her plate. I have heard some girls are sensitive about how much they eat. These comments, when calculated and slightly sarcastic, are generally appreciated for their humor, and for the way in which they make a miserable situation (eating at Downer) enjoyable. People are pretty eager to laugh while they’re staring down at their prospective dinner.

I haven’t tried out any of these methods, because frankly, the Lawrentian doesn’t pay me enough (or even at all!) to sit in Downer and try to flirt with the other poor slobs eating there. If I knew I was going to make bank, I’d hang out at Downer all day macking on unsuspecting freshmen boys mooning over their long-distance girlfriends who accidentally hooked up with some frat guy at the kegger before the Madison game last Saturday, but I don’t have that kind of time, so you’re just going to have to trust me. Someone at Downer probably wants to date you. At least, if you make a lasting impression over the pizza bar, I can pretty much insure a sweaty hookup at the ORC party on Friday. Zach Patrick-Riley, I hope this helps.

For some reason, I find myself yet again in the position of advising the Lawrence campus on how to improve the abysmal nature of their love lives. I don’t know why I’ve agreed to this useless task again, especially since the Lawrentian still refuses to pay me for my time, which is not only spent frantically writing this column on Tuesday at 4:45, but also conducting field research ALL WEEKEND LONG. Field research is difficult. It requires me to attend parties, sometimes not of my own choosing, and observe the effect that certain behavioral choices have on attraction levels of potential mates. For instance, this weekend, I was forced to observe the effect of wearing nothing but a pair of bikini-style underwear had on a freshman’s ability to attract potential grinding partners. My work is grueling and often repulsive, but I do it for you.

The beginning of fall term is generally a particularly awkward time for love at Lawrence. During fall term, many anxious freshmen and upperclassmen alike engage in posturing rituals that leave their friends doing little to camouflage their laughter and disapproval from across the room. This same behavior that is endearingly tragic in friends only leaves those who do not yet know you with little desire to ever learn your real first name. The beginning of fall term is especially difficult because of the amount of new faces on campus. Upperclassmen are generally attracted to the new options because as students at a school smaller than most high schools, they have memorized every flaw on everyone else’s face by now. Freshmen are appealing to upperclassmen because they have not yet abandoned personal grooming rituals and because they have not been engaging in awkward near miss hookups with them for three years. This is probably their main selling point. After three years here, most male upperclassmen couldn’t seriously give a damn what the fresh meat looks like, but they do know that freshmen know nothing of their awkward dating history and the really sloppy way they eat.

I’m getting sick of them clogging the panini griller after Freshmen studies, showing up to “group hang-outs” that are certainly different from “parties,” dressed in outfits that look like costumes, drinking maybe half a beer before realizing they aren’t exactly welcome, and easing the tension by asking me what my major is. Someone is going to pay for these sins. It will probably be the first kid who, seeing me hoisting a case of beer up to my room, gleefully asks me if I’m having a party. Little does this party animal know that after spending three years in Appleton, a case of beer indicates that I am probably planning to watch a movie and turn in early so I can wake up and write a term paper.

This is not to say that freshmen are the only Lawrentians whose mating rituals are difficult to watch. It is fair to say that after several hours of sitting at the VR, most Lawrentian’s behavior becomes equally tragic. This is also not to say that I am attacking this behavior at all. In fact, making these mistakes have created my most colorful Lawrence memories. After three years of tragically attempting to make myself stand out as much as possible in order to date as many older “Lawrence celebrities,” as I could possibly encounter, I’ve finally realized that while they were busy wasting their time in the VR, I was wasting years of college I can’t get back now. Mainly, I’m bitter because three years of Downer and PBR pitchers has made me kiss my days as a size 2 goodbye, and three years of tragic co-op party appearances have assured that I will never successfully date in the Lawrence zip code. So good luck, kids. Don’t screw it up like I did.

The staff of the Lawrentian and I believe that I am qualified to write this column not only because have I successfully hooked up with an exceptional number of Lawrence celebrities, both past and present, but because I have consciously prevented any of these flings from blossoming into an unwanted ball and chain attached to my carefree college life – the committed relationship. This is, after all, the goal of all weekend hookups, so therefore I am the best at them. Clearly, I am impartial and steadfast in the face of love, and perfectly able to advise the awkward, fumbling Lawrence campus in a way that is not only honest, but also accurately negative.

Many Lawrentians I know believe they will never date within the Lawrence bubble. This is probably true. This is about the time of year when graduating seniors begin to let go of their long term significant others in favor of the promising new options in the real world. Even the most stalwart freshmen daters have dumped their high school sweethearts and buckled down to face three more years with Lawrence goggles firmly fastened in place. To some, this fact is daunting, but I argue that this is not so. You are probably not attractive enough to be qualified to complain about the lack of potential dating options you find among your fellow students. In fact, college will probably prove to be a time for you to flourish among other mediocre-looking, awkward people with obscure interests, much like yourself. This is a promising time! It is also the advent of spring term, the most lusty term at Lawrence. As the weather rises out of single-degree temperatures, we eagerly jump at the chance to don shorts and sundresses, and as we begin to take off our clothes and smile a little more, we gradually become more attractive to the opposite sex. As Lawrentians begin to emerge from hibernation, they start to scout for any and every potential spring fling.

Spring term offers many exciting opportunities to form meaningful, lasting relationships with your peers. Two of Lawrence’s most anticipated parties, for the sole reason that they provide girls with the socially acceptable chance to dress how they wish they could every day. Freshman love these parties, mostly for this reason. Not Exactly Naked and that Sig Ep party are the perfect times to look for a potential mate, because most people at these parties are not only scantily clad, but they’ve come with a mission. While surrounded by hundreds of half-naked people who share your goal, the odds are clearly stacked in your favor. If you’re looking for love during spring term, attending both of these social events is practically mandatory. Not attending would indicate that you had no romantic interest in any of your fellow Lawrentians, which is a bold statement to make unless you are a graduating senior or heartless.

Even most seniors can’t escape the romance in the air. Many of them become anxious and even a little nostalgic. They’ll likely see nothing wrong with stooping to hook up with an eager freshman or sophomore while their dignity is still under the protection of acceptable college behavior standards. Some seniors even rush into these situations as soon as they realize that the window of opportunity is closing to act on awkward, transgressionary impulses. If you’re a freshman with a pretty big crush that you have feared will remain unrequited, don’t fear. Spring term is the time to act on the improbable. Sometimes, in very few extreme cases these “relationships” even blossom into something more, and overstay their welcome through the summer and into the “real world,” but this is not encouraged, and actually proves to be pretty humiliating for all involved. The most acceptable time to end these necessity hookups is generally as soon as possible. Lawrence is the perfect environment to have embarrassing relationships. Once you enter the real world, people are less understanding.

There is no need to give up yet. Spring term is a good term for love at Lawrence. With my help, you can be unstoppable.