The staff of the Lawrentian and I believe that I am qualified to write this column not only because have I successfully hooked up with an exceptional number of Lawrence celebrities, both past and present, but because I have consciously prevented any of these flings from blossoming into an unwanted ball and chain attached to my carefree college life – the committed relationship. This is, after all, the goal of all weekend hookups, so therefore I am the best at them. Clearly, I am impartial and steadfast in the face of love, and perfectly able to advise the awkward, fumbling Lawrence campus in a way that is not only honest, but also accurately negative.
Many Lawrentians I know believe they will never date within the Lawrence bubble. This is probably true. This is about the time of year when graduating seniors begin to let go of their long term significant others in favor of the promising new options in the real world. Even the most stalwart freshmen daters have dumped their high school sweethearts and buckled down to face three more years with Lawrence goggles firmly fastened in place. To some, this fact is daunting, but I argue that this is not so. You are probably not attractive enough to be qualified to complain about the lack of potential dating options you find among your fellow students. In fact, college will probably prove to be a time for you to flourish among other mediocre-looking, awkward people with obscure interests, much like yourself. This is a promising time! It is also the advent of spring term, the most lusty term at Lawrence. As the weather rises out of single-degree temperatures, we eagerly jump at the chance to don shorts and sundresses, and as we begin to take off our clothes and smile a little more, we gradually become more attractive to the opposite sex. As Lawrentians begin to emerge from hibernation, they start to scout for any and every potential spring fling.
Spring term offers many exciting opportunities to form meaningful, lasting relationships with your peers. Two of Lawrence’s most anticipated parties, for the sole reason that they provide girls with the socially acceptable chance to dress how they wish they could every day. Freshman love these parties, mostly for this reason. Not Exactly Naked and that Sig Ep party are the perfect times to look for a potential mate, because most people at these parties are not only scantily clad, but they’ve come with a mission. While surrounded by hundreds of half-naked people who share your goal, the odds are clearly stacked in your favor. If you’re looking for love during spring term, attending both of these social events is practically mandatory. Not attending would indicate that you had no romantic interest in any of your fellow Lawrentians, which is a bold statement to make unless you are a graduating senior or heartless.
Even most seniors can’t escape the romance in the air. Many of them become anxious and even a little nostalgic. They’ll likely see nothing wrong with stooping to hook up with an eager freshman or sophomore while their dignity is still under the protection of acceptable college behavior standards. Some seniors even rush into these situations as soon as they realize that the window of opportunity is closing to act on awkward, transgressionary impulses. If you’re a freshman with a pretty big crush that you have feared will remain unrequited, don’t fear. Spring term is the time to act on the improbable. Sometimes, in very few extreme cases these “relationships” even blossom into something more, and overstay their welcome through the summer and into the “real world,” but this is not encouraged, and actually proves to be pretty humiliating for all involved. The most acceptable time to end these necessity hookups is generally as soon as possible. Lawrence is the perfect environment to have embarrassing relationships. Once you enter the real world, people are less understanding.
There is no need to give up yet. Spring term is a good term for love at Lawrence. With my help, you can be unstoppable.
