when you're rich, then asparagus is yummy

Whenever I order food for myself (which is OFTEN, or at least WAS often, when I was in college and perpetually drunk and fat) I always pretend that I'm with someone else who is going to assist me with the eating, or that I'm at least ordering for me and someone else who will appear at the time of eating. I've developed many ways to do this, the most trusty of which is simply minimally covering the receiver while pretending to shout to someone else about details of the order, or whether we have enough cash between us for the order. It's pretty easy to do, by using simple phrases like, "Let me check..." ("Do you want extra ranch sauce?" "Let me check... Um, yeah, I guess we do.") "Wait a minute..." ("Will that be cash or credit?" "Wait a minute. Do you guys have any cash? No? I guess not.")

Lately, I've developed a new technique, which is slightly trickier. I inquire about the order as if I am ordering for someone else, like I do when I order food for my boss at work. I invent a serious of nonsense questions, and then I respond to the answers: "Are there onions? Oh, no, he doesn't like onions." "Okay, my friend wants to know if we can get that with extra cheese." "Let me check, it's not for me, it's for someone else." (This is a combination of TWO methods, and requires extreme commitment, because it's a dead giveaway if mishandled.)

The shame has doubled since my new commitment to not eating like a sixteen year old boy, which means, among other things, avoiding excessive amounts of cheese and fried items.