i just don't have the proper tools

There comes a time, in adulthood, when it becomes apparent that the activities of one’s Sundays and Mondays are in direct correlation to the activities of the previous two nights (or days, if that’s you’re thing, which I’m totally not criticizing, because it’s generally completely my thing). So when you find yourself at Walgreen’s, purchasing Clorox kitchen cleaner and degreaser, Pledge hard surfaces dusting spray, and something called “Tilex Mold and Mildew Remover,” it should become evident that you will soon be attempting to bleach out all evidence of your ex-boyfriend’s brief visit to your apartment with caustic chemicals. Instead, all you end up thinking about is how what should be evident is that you have kind of started to flirt with the Walgreen’s guy.

It is easy to giggle while dumping an amount of cleaning supplies that makes it clear that you don’t really do a lot of cleaning, into the open arms of the cute, slightly ageless cashier. It is still easy to giggle when he says, “Hopefully we’ll see you soon,” because you’ve just bought enough cleaning chemicals to pull off a mildly successful mass suicide, and really the only reason you would need to return “soon,” would be if you lived in a frat house, or if you had an immune system lined with aluminum, and for some reason this didn’t finish you off. You think about saying this, but instead you just smile and say, “Oh, probably!”

This is how you know you’ve started to full-on flirt with the Walgreen’s guy. Whenever you start to flirt with someone you’re embarrassed to find attractive, you always lose your funny. It is only later, as you are unlocking the security door to your apartment building that you begin to wonder what the logical progression of this relationship will look like. Now that he’s looking forward to seeing you again soon, will he ask you out? Will you go? Is that creepy? Is it weird? What will happen if you go on a date? Will you make out with him, just a little? Maybe he’s an aspiring pharmacist (not possible – he doesn’t work in the pharmacy). Is he certainly younger than thirty? Also important – what if you have to buy Maalox again soon?

This is how you are once again reminded that you are lonely.