perpetual single-ness

In that vein, and in a struggle to prove that I am more substantive than my more successful peers who have gone before me, and used their dating and relationship [lack] of prowess as a foray into the blogging world, I will attempt this list, of the life of a perpetually single girl, sans cat. It was posted on Gawker almost three years ago, and Julia Allison quickly rebuttled. In a display of my perpetual three-years-behind status, and in an attempt to prove that I have the least going on of any hot young bachelorette, here's my take on how you can identify that I am in fact, and probably always will be, single:

• Piles of magazines everywhere, comprised of tons of pretentious ones that are clearly untouched and then severely thumbed-through Vogues and Luckys

Um, yup, I've got those everywhere. Mostly because I'm a slob, and I consider "paper mess" to be the kind of mess that won't lead others to believe that you're dirty. I've never read Lucky though, but I did see that it had Vanessa Hugeons on a cover once, which leads me to believe it could be something my low-brow self would enjoy. I've got Vogue, but I'm generally too lazy to read it. I also get Teen Vogue (more my speed), Elle, Nylon (I AM an embarrassment), and I used to get the New Yorker, but you're right I DON'T ANYMORE.

• Overflowing shoe rack and nothing in the fridge

I have that thing that hangs over your door, but I only keep flipflops in it. I keep my shoes in boxes. There is stuff in my fridge though - it's beer. (Okay and salsa and a Britta Filter that always inexplicably freezes. Why? I'm not about to turn up the temp though, because the freezing temperatures make THE FOOD LAST LONGER. Genius.)

• Scented candles

This is only because it disguises the underlying odor. Also, I don't have any in the bathroom, so can I get some points for that? 

• Slovenly heaps of little-used makeups in the bathroom

I interpret the word "slovenly" as a negative word, and I would also like to note that most of my makeup is so "little-used" that it is not even in the bathroom. It's in my closet. I keep more important things in the bathroom, like baby wipes. And beer (this is actually true?). I will concede that there is a small "pile" in my medicine cabinet, but I don't think this makes me single so much as a girl.

• Stuffed animals in the bed

I actually do have those, which is making me feel weird about trying to negatively answer all these questions. Shit. I have three. One is on the couch. It's a dachshound. It looks real, and visitors get fairly creeped out by it. My mom bought it for me as a joke. Yes, this is an indication of being defiantly single.

• Cat hair on the furniture / cat smell

I don't feel the need to respond to the accusation of cat smells, because I am too poor to have a cat, and if I did, I'd train it to go outside. That shit's nasty.

• Cabinets full of mugs featuring the likeness of lady who looks like those hypertrophically-limbed Daily Candy illustrations, bearing the legend "I Love Shopping" or whatnot

I have a lot of pint glasses that I've stolen from bars. One says "Beer is my life." I guess I will count that.

• Anything pink

Are girls who like pink more likely to be single than girls who don't? My entire existence leads me to assume it's the opposite, since I only like it in neon form, on leggings, and the only thing pink in my apartment is a bottle of nailpolish. 

• Ornamental pillows

Pretty sure those cost money. 

• Unedited bookshelves, esp. if they include He's Just Not That Into You or anything along those lines

Julia provided a fairly pithy response to this, and I can't, because I was an English major. My bookshelf is edited. I have stacks of books that extend past the shelf, too. I'd tend to think this is more of a contributing factor to my single-ness rather than a result of it, however. Who wants to date a smart girl? Psssh. 

• Nair

I hide this in my windowsill, which I guess is kind of weird now that I think about it. This is really only a holdover from being a swimmer for 14 years - hair removal has become a habit to the point that I feel weird without it. It's not really an indication that I'm aspirational about my sex life. It also took me about a half hour to figure out that was the implied indication, so there you go. 

• Lite cottage cheese in the fridge

I've started buying the full-fat because I really only eat one meal a day and it keeps me full. Then I moved this to my work fridge, because I really only eat at work. So no, the answer to this question is no. 

• Anything lite or diet around. Cases of Diet Coke. Weight Watchers 'Just 2 Points' bars

Why would I buy diet coke when I could just buy beer? This question is confusing. 

• Inspirational or thinspirational things on the fridge

So is this one. I was going to put a picture of someone skinny on my fridge, but I don't have any magnets, so the only thing that's on there is a penguin calendar and a bumper sticker from a New Glarus six pack that I bought this summer. If you are noticing a theme, it's not just you.