///

via the telegraph

 

It is more that I feel lost. Oh, I understand that nostalgia is a tired and anxious emotion that accomplishes little - but it is more than that. It is more a feeling of loss, for what we are losing that will not be replaced. It is a common feeling, now - that what is coming is not going to be better than what came before. That we will need to be great and innovative and thoughtful and empathetic and we are not up to the challenge. That we are unwilling or unable to experiment with greatness the way that those before us did. It is that we seem able to idolize but not to emulate. It is that we are willing to take a lot and give a little, and that we long for the glory without the effort, the angst without the output. It is hard to imagine the way our generation will remember its heroes, and even harder to imagine what will be diefied after we are gone. I dread to think that it will not take much - that we will be just as cluttered in death as we were in life.

so original

image via anthropologie

I've currently started to stalk this coat on ebay. This is one of those anthropologie items that I hate. Not only is it pink (salmon, even worse), but it looks like the kind of thing that people who are really obsessed with the idea of crocheting scarves and buy really unnecessarily large, precious coffee mugs with distressed drawings of animals on them would absolutely die for. It's one of those items that just looks like it's trying to hard to create a lifestyle. I really can't explain what it is about this coat that I like, especially since I put it in the same category as those oversized coat sweaters that anthropologie sells that look awful on everyone but are always sold out for some reason. It's the kind of item that you can buy for an outrageous price that gives you the illusion of being artsy and crafty and like indie it girls who are okay at singing. But for some reason, when I saw this coat on a real-life girl, it looked almost edgy and different in a way that worked for me, as opposed to in a way that I resent (haha! I make the rules!). It's also vaguely Scandanavian in a way that might make me look Scandanavian if I wear it (that's kind of annoying too, I know). So now I'm stalking this stupid PINK coat in three sizes on ebay because I just love that silhouette and those stupid buttons at the top, even though it's ridiculously overpriced and would only keep me warm for one month (May) in this godforsaken climate. Is it even possible to look cool while wearing salmon and overtly twee patterns? 

Next, I'll probably try purchasing a cat. 

hyannisport is a ghetto

I always thought that by this point in my life, I would have made at least one friend with a beach house.

Seriously, not one. Thanks for nothing, Midwestern liberal arts college.

Bravely, I decided to venture back into the same jumper that made me appear questionably with child. I'm wearing a scarf because I am always cold, and the outfit looks slightly boring without some focus in that area. When being made to choose between looking boring and looking silly, those who know me know I will always choose silly. I'm starting to get the feeling that I've dressed a little like a character from Big Love today, which I guess is fine, because it goes along with the common themes of "humor" and "is she or isn't she?"

swinging from a broken tree

Today, I arrived at work only to find that I had two full, leftover beer bottles in my purse. It is possible that I will pour one into my coffee cup and drink it if I have to fill out any more of these asinine new check request forms. Hopefully, by the time I need a new liver, they'll be farming synthetic ones in some third-world country, and I'll just be able to have one of those. But that's not the point. The point is, the farce is unraveling, and I don't know how to stop it.

Here are some other things I've learned and observed today:
-My boss is able to use the printer, which makes my job seemingly even more of a farce.
-The executive director of the nonprofit for which I work sounds exactly like a guy I kind of dated, to the point of distraction and a lack of ability for me to take him seriously.

forewarning

Tonight I got home and made some tortellini. I was kind of drunk and I haven't been drunk on Tuesday or had tortellini in a while, so I was really excited about it. I got the pasta sauce out of the fridge and got all set to put it on the tortellini, but it came out frozen. Like, my fridge froze it and didn't even ask me if that was okay. Pretty much a metaphor for my entire day.

my friends kill it on the fb

i used to wear moschino, but every bitch got it

Sometimes I just want to give it all up and shake it in a gold lame bodysuit for the cobrasnake like it’s 2007.

But it isn’t 2007 anymore, and I’m no longer drinking enough to make that behavior acceptable, nor did I move to California to make it perennially acceptable.

My mom saw my ex-boyfriend (from high school! Do those even count, or do they just count as disasters? In any case, he’s my only ex-boyfriend. Holler.) working at the apple store today. See, I was doing that before that was cool. He sold her an iPhone charger and then he embraced her on her way out. My mom would have thought he was being sarcastic, but “I was wearing my workout clothes, and he wanted to talk for a long time.” She told me she wished it had been the one we have a crush on because “he has better tattoos.” I don’t know about that. All I know is that it’s not 2005 anymore.

lemonade

Very few things are saving this day.

///

I will always be impressed with the ability of people who've known you at your worst to bolster and support you during unexpectedly emotional and unspeakably strange, difficult experiences. I continually admire people whom I've failed, people of whom, at times, I've expected too much or painted too vulnerable, unflattering of a portrait of myself, who, in spite of these moments, are able to behave so warmly toward me when I need it. I have had the gift of being continually forgiven and to have spent such wonderful years surrounded, even peripherally, by warm, thoughtful people. Even those who were not among my very closest of friends toward the end of my college years embrace me generously and without question. I had an incredibly emotionally draining weekend, but I was blessed to spend it with the best of friends. I'm not serious often, but when I am, I mean it. I am honored to have had the privilege of meeting such wonderful people over the last four years, and it is comforting to know that even though I can no longer be with them on a daily basis, we will continue to care for each other and take interest in each other's lives.

happy new year's, baby -

I hope it is filled with everything I've always wanted: MK & A as my BFFs.

On a more serious note, I hope to spend more time this year

• making a concerted effort to spend more time with the friends whose absence leaves a notable mark on my life and happiness, and makes me look like a friendless loser
• working on my fitness like it's my job, not to get skinnier, but to get happier and busier,
• working harder to meet people in every facet of my life, and refusing to resign myself to the solitary existence of working in an office by myself,
• learning how to cook meals that don't consist of pasta and sauce,
• and spending more time reading instead of watching smut on my computer (it's become so easy!), because I genuinely enjoy reading more, and it makes me feel more productive and less worthless
• spend waaaaaaay less time shopping online, because, I didn't go into this field to buy expensive clothes or waste my time clicking on things I can't have, and I should spend way more time going out and living the dream then sitting online and clicking on it.
  

None of that stuff is hard. Seriously.

sparkle motion

I'm not a kind of person who hates or dreads or begrudges going out on New Year's - I'm not the kind of person who begrudges going out EVER, really - and as a result, I tend to look forward to it, and dread listening to people complain about what a chore it is. I guess I don't care what night it is, I'm never going to turn down a night of getting dressed up and drinking champagne with my friends. Seriously, what's bad about that? I spend my life in a boring J. Crew pencil skirt, staring at a computer and flipping backwards in an office chair, so who the hell am I to quibble about how fun or not fun going out for one night is going to be? I never do anything monumental, anyway - I just go and sit in a bar with my friends in a sparkly outfit. Why must the world begin to shame my love for this activity, now, too? First, I learn that many people do not look forward to receiving Snoopy valentines from their grandparents every February the 14th, and now I learn that they also do not enjoy sitting in bars while wearing sparkly outfits. What a world.

As usual, because I can seemingly do nothing without consequence, as my dad drove me home, I stopped three times to throw up on the side of I-43 between Sheboygan and Milwaukee. It felt like high school without the novelty. My dad laughed. I deserved it. The adult world has gifted me with the ass of a preschool teacher and the stomach of a preschooler. I will maintain that the reason I spent the entire next day puking was because of the outrageous sugar overload caused by Bellinis and free champagne, and also my accelerated track toward becoming OLD.

Here's what I wore, pretty much to a tee, although we all ended up swapping our classier shoes for boots, because Appleton is a frozen tundra without appreciation for nice things, or the way heels make your ankles look. I went with a more subtle gold instead of the straight up sparkle I'm usually prone to, because I dread looking overdressed in Appleton bars. I'm still traumatized from attempting to wear a faux fur vest, neon pink leopard print leggings, and my favorite gold sequined dress (not at once), and receiving way less than positive feedback. Now I try to stay further in their comfort zone of Packer's jerseys and/or Wet Seal.

New Year's crown included. All night. And the next morning, as I woke up, apparently.

Items in this set:
Aglow Tank - Anthropologie.com, $38
ABS Allen Schwartz - 9 to Nine Pave Ball Drop Earrings..., $73
Leaps And Bounds Belt, $34
Happy New Year Tiara - Black (50 pk.) : Target, $30
He-Said-She-Said Skirt, $158